Did I mention that I volunteered to lead the GCWCC for my sector at work this year?
What the hell is that, you ask, and what does it have to do with the Holiday Howl?
What it is doesn’t matter. It’s a federal public service thing. The upshot of it is that it required me to make massive quantities of vegan baked goods on a weekly basis, which I sold at outlandish prices to my cubicle-bound colleagues.
It was this experience that gave me the confidence to commit to providing the lion’s share of the food for the upcoming Holiday Howl. Previously, if someone asked me if I could bake, transport and prettily arrange hundreds of servings of food, I’d have told them to go stick their crazy head in a toilet somewhere.
Now, however, I say “bring it on”.
So what, exactly, am I bringing on? Here’s the list:
Brownies. My own rich, velvety ones for the sophisticates; plus some tooth-rotting, icing-laden monstrosities for the mouth-breathers.
Stollenettes (mini Christmas stollens). This is my compromise for the people who asked me to bring cinnamon buns. Seriously, guys, you have to be pretty cro-magnon to consider eating breakfast pastries at an evening event. My Christmas gift to you is saving you from your own boorishness.
Cookies. Chocolate chip and Linzers are definites. I’m not sure what else. I’ll take suggestions, but if anyone asks me to make the peanut butter pillows that take a year and half to make, let me say now that I will say “no”. And mentally punch you in the throat for asking.
Orange Raspberry Cake. Yes, this is just a manifestation of the orange cupcakes I always make and yes, I will continue to make them for every event until the end of time because they almost won a contest. So what?
Date squares. Because suddenly I realized I am old.
Cherry Pie bars
Pumpkin Pie bars
Warm spinach and artichoke dip
Summer rolls with homemade peanut sauce
A sushi Christmas tree
Sweet and sour “meatballs” (also a thing with us old folks, kind of like gherkins)
So, you’re probably probably asking yourself “is she really going to make all that?” And the answer is, I have no idea. About a third of the items are a sure thing. But any and all of the other items may fall victim to my refusal to measure anything ever.
But rest assured there will be plenty of food, keeping in mind The Compassionate Rabbit is donating a small army of wee cupcakes and that Simply Raw Express is kicking in some goodies from the healthier end of the spectrum.
So don’t forget to buy your ticket online. Because you apparently can’t get them at the door. And if you show up ticketless, you’re just going to wind up on the sidewalk, with your face pressed against the glass, looking in at all the fun the non-procrastinators are having. And that will be awkward for everyone.